Tuesday, October 2, 2007

In Appreciation of B.

Lately, in the midst of some discussions about "recovery" and "cures", with some talk of high- or low-functioning kids mixed in, I've had a real chance to think. I've realized that so often I think about the twins in terms of their relative progress. Who has said what word, who can take their own shoes off (neither!), who can stack one block on top of another. It's exhausting. And it's making me feel like a failure at mothering B.

Not a failure, that's too strong. But I try the same things with each boy, in fact B. has gotten more therapy, and their development is so dramatically different.

But starting now I've had enough of seeing B. in terms of what he's not doing yet. I want to enjoy him for his B.-ness. He dances in front of the mirror. He shakes with pleasure when he sees an FBI warning on a favorite DVD. He says a word now and then, for his own enjoyment. He absolutely loves the pool and the bathtub. He finds Angelina Ballerina hilariously funny. When he hears the "Between the Lions" theme, he screams with excitement. He likes to rough-house and jump on the big bed. Occasionally he'll stare into my eyes.

I've read a lot of other moms describing this feeling, but I didn't get it. I was still too new to the situation, trying to squeeze all the floortime I could into their "window". Tonight, I'm content (and unbelievably lucky) to be B's mom, just as he is, and however he ends up being.


kristen said...

There is great wisdom in these words and depth of understanding. Each of us has to find our own way, our own place of comfort with the challenges our children have been dealt. But to stop and see the world through the wonder of what they CAN do and let go of the worry about what they CAN'T? That, my friend, is the height of enlightenment.

KAL said...

I love this. You are a wise mommy :)

Christine said...

I love the photos. What cute boys you have! And I can't agree with this post more. I concentrate a lot on being in the here and now with my Oliver. It helps me to really appreciate just what a remarkable little guy he is. Thanks for reminding me of that today.

Mom without a manual said...

I've said it before. I hate the word cure. It does make us parents feel like there is a finish line we have to race toward. I completely agree that we owe it to ourselves and our kids to cherish each and every day.

I know how I always end up comparing my boys and their development. I can only imagine how hard it is to not fall into that trap with twins. But you do have two marvelous little boys who are leading two different lives. And that would have been true even if autism hadn't entered their lives.

One thing I can say with certainty...you are not a failure at mothering. You do wonderful things for both of the boys. And I think it is wonderful to be able to just step back and enjoy each little man for the person he is!

Niksmom said...

So wisely put. Enjoy the B-ness of your little B. AND the G-ness of G! My dad is one of triplets (@ identical and one fraternal; he's one of the identicals) and he always resented being compared to his siblings no matter what.

Acceptance (not resignation as some "cure-aholics" might call it), is peaceful and allows you to deal from a position of love, understanding and strength instead of panic and anxiety. I think your children will pick up on the subtle shift and may surprise you. :-)

Casdok said...

We love our kids, what more can i say!

burgiboogie said...

I can not imagine how not to compare with twins! They are so unique though, and I am sure as they grow, one will do this well, the other that. Celebrating them both for who they are, is more difficult than it sounds. This is a really nice post, all your kids, are lucky to have you.